SECRET CORNER OF THANATOS

rainy thursday...

waken up by thunder, lightning today. it's raining cats and dogs out there. reminds me of the rainy days in malaysia.....ah...how i missed home....

had a nightmare yesterday...i mean today before i wake up..... it was sth i was sure i am going to get, untill the same person who gave it to me took it back....there was a strong feeling of dissapointment, despair and shock. i was kinda shock when sth happened out of my expectation. the feeling was so real till i believed it till i wake up....

that's why i like to be in the know. i agree with grey : "those who says that what you don't know can't hurt you.....is a total moron."

but unfortunately, nothing is certain in this world. that is why i always keep in mind that accidents might happen anytime, anywhere.....and probably those who see things easily are either very good, or very stupid to neglect or to overlook the oughts.

i am kinda in a mood to study now. exam of philosophy is in 4 days time. i will have to revise it back while preparing for other heavier exam, and at the same time not neglecting it because fear of the similar incident happened in my dream would occur....(touch wood! i hope not)

but what i like best about the rainy day is the rainbow and sunshine that appear after that. mild sunshine, beautiful sky, and no raindrops to generate irritation (action potential) on the tactile receptor of the skin.......

"i know how you feel"

a lesson i got from my english tuition teacher in form 5 : Never say "i know how u feel" unlees you really mean it.

some feelings you can only get from experience. not imagination. through imagination, you can only compare it with the strongest feeling you had in the past....and probably it's a stronger feeling than that u've ever experienced. probably it's in the middle, probably it's a mixed feeling. as complex as your mind could be, you cannot really feel the "real feeling"....

sometimes we utter this phase to comfort a sad person, to make them feel better. to let them know that we, too share their pain. but if the person in despair knows that you do not mean what u say, they will get offended and angry....

for example, if a person experienced death of close family, siblings, or best friends..... and the saddest things happened to me before was the death of my dog. of course i would feel very very very sad then, but how could i compare them both and say it's the same, and i know that feeling?

the same goes for love. there's no use telling other people how great ur relationships are, how good is your partner to a person who hasn't fall in love before, because as exciting as you describe it, the person can only imagine....and he tries to form the "ideal" image in mind based on what u tell him, altho in reality it might not be that wonderful.....

...just like no one can feel how we live in russia when u are sitting comfortably at home back in malaysia, even if you've been to.....say.....china.....hehehe....

that is why the tem "i know how you feel" only mean that u really understand how the person feels through experience. of course you do not need to experience death of your close one to comfort a  person who are suffering from it.... you could say "i feel your pain", "it would be over soon"......

or a simple hug may be the best medicine......

"when i am crying, do not talk to me. if u want to shut me up, hug me."

the thrill in the battlefield...

a bornt warrior has no other talent than to fight in war,

being well- trained since young, he is quite good with it.

he feels the thrill and excitement when being in the battlefield, despite the chance of being hurt by the enemy, or even death..

his adrenaline rush through his body from the tip of the hair to the tip of the toe when he slays through every single one of his enemy.

when he walks out of the battlefield, he knows that he has taken down all his enemy.

he understands that the people around him are afraid of the war, some taking it too seriously till they resolve into conspiracy and using  tricks in order to win. while some of them does not even have the passion for it, trying to avoid every single war, only facing it when they have to.

he understand that people around him take the war as a key to get to a more peaceful life, ....he understands all that. but the people around him don understand him. what the war means to him...they do not understand that all his pride and confidence as a warrior comes from the war. his strength, ability, special skills are developed based on the experience in the war... without it, he is nothing...

he is successful in war and has many people around him. but he is lonely, because nobody shares the same passion with him. he tried to find somebody who can and willing to be his partner in the battlefield, but all these while he failed to do so, as they feel that he is a freak for having such passion.

his strategies of every war is simple: to understand the enemy well, and to understand how far is his won ability. he doesn't plan strategies too far ahead, as things are ever changing and no point wasting time for uncertainties. he likes to have simulative war in his mind, predicting what the enemy would do and decide the most beautiful way to take them down.

before the war, he would prepare himself both physically and spiritually. everytime before the war he would feel nauseous. but when on the battlefield, he would give his best despite how great is the enemy.

there's once he faced 2 large monsters that he din't have confident at all to take them down. but he did his preparation well, sharpen his sword and train everyday. on the day of the war, he knew that he had done his best and have no regret if he died in that war. he was afraid of course, but the thought of facing such great monsters made him more excited. on the battlefield, he gave his best shot. it turn out to be better than he expected. his moves was so perfect that the monsters had not a single chance to fight back as he did not showed any weakness.all the attempts to attack him was countered beautifully.

he used to compete with his fellow warriors when he was much younger, when they had the same goal to win the war.his motivation was to do his best and become the best of them. that made him excited too. but now he understands that he fights the war alone. and his biggest enemy is himself. he has to be high in spirit always and not to loose the touch in the war. he understand the consequences once he let down his guard....

he has worries now. he wonders that if it is really worth it to dedicate his golden year of his life to this war?? he enjoys it for now for sure... but having diff perspective and goal than other people is not easy.he is worried that he would regret it someday, missing those days when other people using their time to develope some other skills.

and that brings him to the question : when the war finally end one day, would he be abled to do anything else??

a new beginning...

many stuff troubling me lately. i have problem with almost eveything since i fall sick. not that i am facing any problem.juz emotionally troubled. but i tend to loose motivation to do something. it's like bored, but it's much worse than that. it makes me feel worthless. i don have the sense of satisfaction of doing what i am doing anymore. maybe i am having the so called "quater-life crisis"..... i lost the basic sense of being "touched"(chinese-gan dong)....dunno how to say.... it's a feeling of anxiety when you see/hear something touching....when you feel the adrenaline rushing through your body and suddenly you feel that you can do anything.. it's very important to me....it makes my instinct sharper whenever i have this sense of anxiety..it is a great pushing force making me who i am today. without it, i don feel like me anymore. maybe in the eyes of others, it may seemed unreasonable or too emotional... but if u've felt it before, you'd understand..... now i don have the feeling of being "touched "anymore. i am lost now. i am trying to find something lost in my life. i understand no one can help me. this search for myself might take a long time....and i might drown in the process....but hey, i am me...if anyone can get out of this crap, i can....because i believe have a heart of phoenix,having the ability of resurrection after being burnt into ashes....so now...i'll let it die....have a rest...waiting for my time to revive again... it has been a ritual to cut my hair eveytime before a test or exam....since primary school. i still practice it now as i believe my brain do not need to support such heavy burden.yesterday had the urge to cut my hair...hopefully with that i can have a new start in my life...letting me see things clearer....no more as blur and as lost as now... this is the shortest haircut i've had so far.....it's my personal limit...kinda funny....some say i look like sami ...some say i juz came out from pusat serenti... but well, this is my way to remind myself of my determination....to find back the lost spirit....to become ng khai lip again... p/s: this is the only chance you will get to see khai lip botak...cherish this oppotunity..haha..

distance is the key??

when i first get acquainted with physics in form 4, my physics tuition teacher, when explaining the law of universal gravity by sir issac newton, used an interesting metaphor. he says that it is also true for the relationship of 2 people too,ie. the "force"of attraction between 2 people is inversely propotional to the distance between them, to the power of 2!!. thus, he strongly opposed the idea of distant relatinship. it was meant to be a joke at that time, of course....

however, through my observation, i realise that the key to any relationship (friends, family, life partner) is to keep a proper distance from one another.

large force create friction---- according to the law stated above, great "force" will develope as the distance between 2 object diminishes.. however, if the energy generated is not utilized properly, the tendency of developing useless energy (friction) will be high. it's true that people get to know more about each other when they are closer. for example, if u stay together, work together, study together....etc. but through the interaction with people around us in everyday life, especially of those frequent interaction, some "friction" is of course inevitable. "friction" here suggest conflict, discomfort, anger etc.

many examples i've seen proved it. from what i see now in the hostel, nobody is really close to his/her roommate. and when seing each other on the corridor, the frequency of communication is low (almost 0). and rumours about quarreling between roommates are heard, due to noise created, cleanliness, bad habits, different wat of conducting life....etc. even the best of roommates quarrel about money, sharing of food, whose turn to clean the room. these conflict may not be brought up face to face, but "cold war" is just as bad... however, to keep a harmony life in this foreign place far away from home where you can just say "i quit!", keeping those conflict and problems to yourself is definitely a wise choice.

but neverthless, the "friction" still exist. no matter how high is your capacity, it will reach a limit sooner or later. thus, i'd suggest an alternative ---to keep a distance and  reduce conflict.

when i first came to russia, i think i've made a right choice not to share anything (like fridge,heater...etc) with my roommates. many peple laugh at me for wasting such money, which according to them, unnecessary.my room is divided into 2 halves indirectly by the area of which our carpet occupy. again people commented about the clear devision among us which maybe seemed to reflect the lack of interaction among us. i was even asked why i did not share to buy my groceries with others. well, the answer is clear now. look who's having problem with dividing the appliances when they decide to split now. and look who is taking effort to repair the spoilt photocopy machine that was shared by 5 people ( i was one of them by the way). look who is moving the cupboard to the centre of the room so that they are completely isolated from one another. look at the same people who ask me about the groceries that now but their own seperate ones and cook themselves........how ironic... on the contrary, me and my roommate do not interfere with each other's life, both respecting their own privacy, while at the same time communicate, talk and joke alot in the room. of course i wouldn't know how long this will last...but at least it proved to last longer than those who prefer to interact in all aspect of life...

i think i told somebody before that i was still looking for someone that i can really open up my heart and tell everything, the same person i wanted them to my best friend. i would not need to worry about them revealing my secrets, hurting me in anyway. u know, like brotherhood or something of a kind, like those in movies and drama where they go through life and death together. but seems that it is an idealistic idea.....too idealistic for me that it seems so far, alomost impossible now...

well, being somebody who thought he couldn't live without friends around, i tried my best to be the best of friend myself. but maybe my approach was wrong or maybe i rush through things... my effort of making friends can't seem to earn me enough trust for them to tell me their secrets. when the trust is not there, naturally the effort of continue giving would be wasted, just like being sucked into the blackhole...and sooner or later, you will feel exhausted by this constant giving.

when u open up your heart to someone, while allowing them to get close enough for them to explore you for who you are, understanding you thoroughly, you are risking yourself to be hurt by that person. the consequence might be very severe. thus, choosing the right person to reveal your true self is important. true friend would respect you for who you are, accept your weakness and you would not need to worry about being hurt. and so it's true that those whom you allow can really hurt you. the same action could be done on you by 2 different person, but the effect will be different. for those that you really care, their action, good or bad ,will be magnified in your perception, depending on how deep is the person in your heart ( refer to the law stated above again).....but of course, those who you don't really care, can't even scratch you (emotonally of course)

another phenomenon that i observe is that when ever i get very close, close enough to somebody, distance would appear between us. things like avoiding, not talking to each other would start to happen. i can't seem to understand why. but once there's a girl told me that after she complaint to me and cried about her problems thru the phone, she feels like standing naked in front of me when seeing me.....hmmm.... i wonder how true is that...

now i've slowly given up the effort of "looking" for a true friend.instead, i'll let fate decide whether i'm destined to be alone forever. i've learnt that no point forcing through a realtionship to get close enough when at the same time i'm creating alot of friction in the process. when a person move slowly towards another person slowly, the energy(force) slowly developes and the amount of friction would be minimized. this would ensure a long lasting relationship. thus if i were to indulge myself in a relationship, slow and steady would be my choice. puppy love would be like fireworks, magnificent and to be longed for, but unfortunately it doesn't last....

i've been hurt unintentionally by the ones i care. slowly, i begin to build up defence to protect myself. i can't affort myself being hurt again. soon, i'll close my heart up if i can't find a person worth opening it for.... and my interaction with others would just be superficial, so that i can pull myself out in time in case i sense danger/risk of being hurt again....

chinese saying "he jiu bi fen" indicate that in order to keep a long lasting realationship and to maintain a wide circle of friends, appropriate distance and space is important....and of course if the distance is too far, the sense of intimacy and the bond will loosen with the flow of time too....

so to conclude, the closer the get, the more force exist, thus causing more friction. but so what? if u really find someone who is worth the risk....the friction generated can be turned into a magnificent, beautiful firework that would last in our memory......

right????

how it feels like to live in a fridge

is malaysia's weather too hot for u that u feel like stuffing yourself into the fridge?? well then, u better come to russia.

russia is full of contradiction. even the weather says so. juz last year they had their warmest winter with average temp about -10 to -15......this year they have their coldest winter in 46 years!!! end of last year during the beginning of winter, the weather here showed an extraordinary high temperature....(when i say high, i mean between 0 to -4)....everyone (including the russians) thought it is a global warming thing. and myself was quite glad that the weather wasn't that harsh on us....as we can wear thinner when going out.

it was still the same last sunday..but on monday the temp dropped dramatically from -4 to -36 in juz one day!....walau!! and like a said it's the coldest year since long long time. feels ironic lo....they HAVE to have their coldest and hottest year coming one after another, and all happening during our 1st and 2nd year stay in russia.

u might not able to imagine how it feels like to live in such weather. well, for a start, it's impossible for u to go out without at least wearing 3 layers of  clothes with long john inside. cap and scarf is a must...or else, it's suicide. seriously. if u carry sth on your hand without a glove, u will feel like your fingers are detatching....

and when u wear scarf.....the main purpose is not to cover ur neck to keep them warm, most ppl (well, at least i do) cover the face, like perompak. why le?? because the dry wind at -36 will cut your face. seriously. at some joints of my finger often got these cut.ur facial muscle will start to freeze...and your facial expression will maintain that way untill u unfreeze them( under room temperature or sth)....then ppl will think you are crazy when they see u smiling on the street all the time.

even with boots and thick socks, you can still feel the chill on your feet. how to imagine this ler?? take some ice from your fridge and put it in a plastic bag. then tie it to your foot and try walking. if u can't stand it for 10 minutes, imagine, here we have that kind of feeling all winter...

in the room...i seldom do this but now i'm wearing a thick sweater and 2 layers of long pants. even with the central heater on i still can feel chill on my feet. it's juz like living in a fridge.everywhere u go the air is constantly trying to freeze you. and it's dry, causing the skin to get very dry, and start peeling off.

i remember some spell in diablo2 causing frost bite to enemy. now i am really feeling it. it really bites! when i apply moistening cream on my skin and face, the pricking sensation when  kena electric shock came.

can't imagine how serious it is ?? ppl can die under these temp. in moscow 40 ppl died in bus stop while waiting bus. juz about less then one hour out there, ppl can freeze to death.

now i know how my chicken and fishes feel in the fridge.

status : can't wait to go to egypt next week when my exam ends!!

btw, here's a link koci showed me, about benglish translation...damn funny.

http://www.kennysia.com/archives/2005/08/kennysiacom_eng.php

dreams...

Everybody has a dream.An idealistic dream. It’s the search for perfection in something we long for. However, not all the people can achieve their dreams fully because they are bonded too tightly to the reality. Some people are too afraid to even dream. The moment they enter the “world of ideas” where there are unlimited possibilities, their conscious will immediately “pull” them back to the reality because they are intimidated by the sense of “nothingness” in the “world of ideas”. They feel more comfortable to think rationally and to have everything under the control of their “perception”. They refuse to explore the world of ideas….or worse, deny their existence.

We were told that daydreaming is bad for us, but only because we are unable to bring those ideas to reality. It is bad because we can’t produce result from it….or should I say it is bad because other people can’t see result from our dream.

Dreams are always wonderful. It is often something beyond our reach at that particular moment. However, we must make an effort to achieve our dreams. And the first step is dare to dream. Believe that nothing is impossible, and start to work for it. As far as it may seems, you are one step closer to achieving it.

A persons in love can make wonders, because they can dream. They dare to dream for the impossible. From the first step of falling in love to the point when the relationship grows, a person is constantly exploring the world of ideas, dreaming wonderful dreams, and believe that the impossibles are possible. I guess that’s the power of love.

As vain as it could seem, dreams can be the only reason for a person to live. And taking their dreams away would mean taking their life away. I’ve seen a “walking corpse” revived and became an energetic, more cheerful person. All because of the presence of another person in his life who gave him something to dream of, and thus a new reason to live…..

A dream may not realize forever. That doesn’t mean it dies and would not exist. It just means that it could not be brought to the reality world. But dreams will retain it’s eternal existence in the “world of ideas”…… in the heart of a dreamer…

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz

cOcKy mE

i like to praise myself. to give a boost of confidence to myself. well, i figure that if no one will praise you for good things you've done...why don you do it yourself,right?? plus, if you don't love yourself, no one would love you...and if you don't start by praising yourself, nobody would praise you.

maybe i got this from childhood. i always tried to do my best academically. but the thing is my parents do not have the habit for rewarding me when i do well, say getting first place in the class, or maybe the whole form....whatever...all they say is "oh good lo". i never get toy cars like the spoilt brats across the street do...not particularly for doing well...(of course if i'd ask i will get it)....so i'd decided to reward myself everytime i get good results. i would ask rm2 from my grandma and cycle myself to the roadside stall to eat "wan tan mee".....to reward myself, telling myself "good job, khai lip!"

i know i've done good things, achieve great goals, and heck i  think deserve better.do not think i get what i get because of mere luck, or because i am me. i work HARD for everything goals a achieve.luck only comes to me that way. in other ways, i loose.

if i am happy i wanna share it with you (my friends) so that you would be happy too, not to show off or becoz iwant you t be jealous. if it is so bothering to you that good things do happen to me, fine. i'll enjoy the happiness myself then...

people like to underestimate me. i hate it and like it at the same time. i do not like it when they say i can't do it.(maybe because of my body appearence which looks easy to bully, u know, like "fei mao"...). i like it ALOT when i managed to proove them wrong. the sounds of broken spectacles and "wahhhhhhhhhhhhh............" are just music to my ears...

i remember once there's this girl transfered to my school when i was in std 3...during a conversation, a friend told me, that i would not be able to uphold my 3 years 1st berturut-turut...as she some oh-so great girl from her ex-school that would "definitely"beat me....blah blah blah.....but that friend was wrong....apparently....

why am i so obssessed with being the best?? on one hand it is highest target that could possibly be achieved, serving as the ultimate force to push u forward to get it, and on the other you would only be remembered in that way. this is a cruel fact, but nobody would remember a looser.and there could only be 1 winner in the game.

i remembered when i first entering "pertandingan bercerita dalam bahasa melayu", after the competition, the teacher asked me with surprise...: "are you baba ah??" i said no, proudly.."i'm hokkien"...where did u learn your bm?? ..i told her "my grandma"......my grandma used to fetch me to school by taxi on saturday that time....and when i told her that....she laughed....

i've experienced the period when i need alot of attention. and that means of course, more acknowledgement and more "praising". but it's like ppl around you can "smell" your desperation for attention, and the stronger the "smell" is, the more likely you would be categorized in the "pathetic group".....and of course, according to Charles Darwin, you will be rejected according to natural selection....needless to say you won't get the attention you need. the more you crave for it, the more likely you wont get it....

thus, till this moment i've decided to give all the praise i need to myself, all the attention, care, love i need to myself. of  course, it might not be as good as those others give....but what the heck, it's the least i could do to retain my sense of existence in this world....

of course....attention, love and care from others are always welcomed.

due to the cold weather, exam stress, and all day long facing the book here in russia, one may easily go into depression. i have seen cases like that where ppl try to do stupid things, giving up etc. i wouldn't want that to happen to me...so, i feel good when i tell myself that i'm the best and i can do it. it's funny u know....when you stay in the room for whole day....you will feel happy when there's a friend coming over to visit and talk to you....even for juz a short while....

some might dislike me for the way i speak,act, wear, eat.....some may juz hate me for how i look. but hey i think i'm the best, why change for sth less than that juz to pleasure your eyes??

hong kong singer, faye wong, when recieved the title "best female singer" from taiwan famous musical award said only one thing during her speech :"i acknowledge the panel for acknowledging my music. you've got taste!".....she might seemed cocky others, but i think her  self-confidence is pretty charming....

i can proudly said i've done my best in everything i do. as a friend, i've done what a friend can to be a friend.i remember important dates, keep some space in my memory for my friends, lend a helping hand when they need them(if they come to me la of course).....everything i could to remain this friendship.....because. friends are important to me.

i might be cocky, but at least i voice out. i want you to hear me. you can dismiss me, but know that everytime u do that, you've missed a change for "ënlightenment"...hehehe...( ok this is a little too much..).

but i won't talk crap lo. if u think i do, maybe u should think again what i've said. maybe you are juz not bright enough to catch it the first time....and do not say that it's crap in front of me.....my instant reflex would be "stupid".....(ok....i sound melebih edi....should stop here)   

you may disagree with my above ideas....but to have read all the way to this point, you would know that i don't care anymore. 

as satya said, i hope the "right"people sees this too....(then again, why do i care, the "right" people might delete instantly when they see "khailip has updated his blog" in the mailbox. even if some opens it, they won't read till here anyway.)

conclusion: i am proud of myself.

feel like dying...

i'm sick. can't seemed to remember when was the last time i had this experience. it feels really horrible. got fever. hands and legs was cold. the whole body feels weak. couldn't sleep last night because of the headache i had. and worse, my water supply finished. boiling the water would take another few hours to wait for it to cool down. really thought i was gonna die. hate that helpless feeling...

and of all time i have to get sick on the day before my computer anatomy exam. had to study while carrying the burden of headache that felt like 100kg...slept for like 2 hours b4 getting up again to study... everytime that awful sensation would make me so lemah i wanna give up...

my exam was supposed to be at 1200. but i went earlier hoping that i could do it early.i was lucky they had a vacant left. it was a 90 minute exam. but when i did halfway i felt dizzy.....like can't balance myself. and suddenly voices around me was so loud....felt like gonna pengsan anytime....so did the question ASAP. and came out in 25 minutes,,,

after that went back to sleep...and u know now in the middle of winter it's -18 out there. walao. even with thick jacket i felt like freezing out there. anyway sleep for 4 hours....when i woke up felt abit better...altho as i'm typing this my feet feels cold and i have cough and sore throat... maybe gonna sleep again later...

in conclusion wasted 24 hours of precious time today when i'm suppose to study for coming exam....die liao....

i think the reason for all this was that i went out yesterday when the temp was -20 to travel agency to ask about trip to istanbul. well the offer seemed quite reasonable...untill they tell us that the price doesn't include air ticket...we was like WTF.......and after the price is included it was like 500 usd....might as well we go to italy (which was our original plan that had to be cancel due to the high ticket price).....when we're about to give up our hope on this winter vacation... somebody from our group ask for price for egypt. and apparently they offer quite a good price for it.....and the trip is longer than trip to istanbul....so at that moment we immediately book our place for it....and I'M GOING EGYPT FOR WINTER!!! but things are unsure till we get the ticket in our hand....they might change their policy or wateve crap overnight.....so we juz pray for the best lo....

after that went to mc D......maybe it was the fries that caused my sore throat....sigh....

so from now on i won't go out for no good reason.....

lend me some luck

entering into the saggitarius month (november-- december)....i have a strong feeling that my luck is sharply declining...dunno why....simple things also can do mistakes...do everything also like got rintangan....hard to sleep at night...hard to concentrate....sigh......

now that some of u have finished ur exams....i was thinking maybe u could lend me some luck to help me go through this rintangan.....i promise i will return it as soon as my luck is back to normal....

sounds ridiculous huh?? i think so....but if u can in one way or another....plssssssss..... lend it to me.....

need to get back to study for tomorrow's test.....have a bad feeling about it too.....sigh.......

it's middle of winter now and it's not snowing yet..........

maybe the end of the world is coming...........hmmmmmmmm...........

my tears...

i admit, that i do cry,despite what people say that a boy(man) should not cry no matter what, even when you are bleeding....

of course, i won't cry when i'm bleeding....coz if i don't stop the bleeding quick, i'll loose to much blood and die...hehehe

i did not abstain myself from crying. i didn't see the reason to hide my own feelings...

crying is the only inborn ability a baby has when he'/she is unable to express him/herself verbally to attract other's attention  to attend his needs....when a person is unable express him/herself verbally,he/she recall his/her inborn instinct.....to cry....

i remeber when i was in primary school...some classmates tease me for some things i can't remember....i argued with that person untill i cry...not only that...i cried many times for several reason untill almost everyone from keh seng would know that i like to cry alot

i cried when i quarreled with my mom...

i cried when i saw sad things happening around me

i cried when i sawtouching scene in tv/movies....this one i can't control...(it's involuntary action of the brain when the emotion reaching the peak....)

seems kinda pathetic huh?? but i'm not ashamed of it, and not afaid to admit it...

they say the eyes is the window to the soul.....and so the tears would cleanse the eyes so that the soul has clearer excess to the world...so that it is able to see the through the window clearer....seeing the whole picture....looking from another view of the world....

at the same time.....the tears nourish the exhausted soul....enabling it to rise once again to face the challenges that once pulled him down

i remember last time whenever i have exam/test.....i would cry the night before....hating myself for not able to remember what i read....but din't realise it...but guess it was a way of releasing stress and tension....then i found that i can amazingly remember what i can't before...

i cry when i'm afraid.....but after crying...i found that i am not afraid anymore

laugh at me when i cry...but know that everytime i cry, i would only be stronger, stronger and stronger...and my tears wold not drop again for the same reason

the last time i cried in public was in form 2.....after that..i learnt that  this competitive society cannot accept a whimp...so i would cry alone in the room when no one is around...or in the bathroom, letting my tears drops togehter with the water in the shower.....

as i get older....i find less and less reason for me to cry... am not afraid of what i used to afraid of.... and i learnt how to protect myself, buliding walls around me, immune myself against those who are trying to hurt me......

here in russia, have not found someone who is worth my tears for.....maybe no one i care enough to cry for....i dunno....(maybe is the cold weather )

i tot maybe i cried too much when i was young.....that my tears dried off edi....

but today when i watch the series 'healing hands3" when the doctor who almost give up got the support from his patients....my eyes felt pain....tears kept flowing.....uncontrolable......

am glad that i still possess this inborn gift that many try to suppress....to know that i'm not clod blooded...still able to cry....

if i fall on the way...

...you need not offer me a helping hand. just stand aside and know that i will get up in no time and continue on my journey, like the phoenix rising from the ashes..and i'll be stronger than before, never falling for the same reason again....i will run faster, soar higher than u can ever imagine...

if you are my true friend, you should believe in my ability to stand on my own feet, going through what i must by myself, not depending on others....

sometimes when we are in low times, what we need is not the help of others to help us get back up on to our feet...we juz need their belief and support to assure us that we CAN.because most of the time...we DO have the ability to recover from the injury that we endure...

sometimes it's more humiliating recieving the help of others having them thinking that u are useless....rather, being able to get up by yourself can give u more confidence and assurance that you are worth the support your friends are giving to you

me famous??unlikely.......

my name is ng khai lip, in case you don't know...

.i juz wonder sometimes IF one day i discover a new theory and it  would be named after me....won't it sound funny??? like "khai lip's principle", or "law of Khailip"....if so, í'll be the first one to roll on the floor laughing.....

i juz can't imagine my name being shown in public like newspaper, tv or sth like that.....to me it juz don't fit....i can't ever imagine my name appearing on the headline ,eg: "KHAI LIP HAS DONE IT AGAIN"....hahaha....that would never happen....

dunno why, i feel that my name sounds wierd.not that i don't like it.in fact i love it very much. although my name is often mistaken for a girl's name. translated to chinese, it simply means, "victory" and "independent",respectively.....

back to the point... someday if i found a new species....would it be named "canis khailipus", "paramiseum khailipum", or "certhidea khailipea"??? i dun think so....because the following generation studying this new species will be laughing to death and i would be blamed for the disgrace of the entire species....

if i discover a new reaction in chemistry someday.....would it be named "khai's equilibrium", "lip's constant", "khailip's cycle", "ng's chain of XXX".....??? it really don't fit, huh??

one day, if i open a company, i won't name it "KHAI LIP's SDN BHD".....because i think it would be fated to fall....

that makes me wonder....after 5 years, when i graduate...what would my name be?? would people call me "dr. ng"?? that sounds too common....dr. khai??, or dr lip???.....or dr khailip?? but whenever i hear that name....i'll feel geli....hehehe....sigh....sakit kepala...

maybe i should get an english name....

any suggestion??

the reason i hate you....

the only reason i would hate you is because you remind me of the person i do not want to become.

i was the person you are. i am trying to change the bad habit i had.

and your attitude just reflect the person i was...the naive,childish, ignorant, unreasonable, selfish me....

maybe i feel ashame of myself seeing other person showing the weakness i am trying to cover. that's why i hate you.

your action made me feel stupid that i was once like you. i do not want you to regret one day on your stupidity when you see somebodyelse doing the same stupid thing you are doing now.

i do not hate you. just your attitude.

all you do, cause action potential in my nerve system....i see my evil twin when i see you.  do not want to be you anymore.

i was once hated for being the person that i was, perhaps i still am. but when i see you i just hate you. it's like you are teasing me in a way when u are doing what you do, reminding me of me.....

i feel sorry for the pathetic person that you are

i would never want to be the person you are now. NEVER!

other than that......i have no other reason to hate you.......

do you hate me??

comforting= telling lies??

if you are hurt emotionally, be it in love, study or anything , and you need somebody to listen to your complains, do you want him/her to comfort you by saying sweet lies so that you feel better, or you want that fella to tell you his/her opinion so that you see the truth??

for some , they juz need a listener....somebody to talk to....they don need any opinion, comments or any answer...as they already have it in their mind.....they juz need somple respond...like "ya"," then??" "so"....for them.....you can give some opinion...or rather suggestions....but not those that oppose those "aswer" they have in their mind....

for some, they just need somebody to agree with them.....whatever answer you give them...you must agree with them in some ways....or else your comforting session will be over soon...( don be offended but i find this quite prevalent among Leos)....for example....if they did badly in exams,and they talk to you.... they will tell you why they do badly....but you often see that the reasons are seldom their fault...they will blame the teacher, the difficult/unrelavent question, the insufficient time.....but never thier carelessness, lack of preparation and stuff....(aka pride)...

so what do you do?? do you 1)agree with he/ she that ya it's the questions fault??/ or 2) advise him or her to try harder next time?? ......would you rather tell something to comfort somebody even though u know it's a lie....or you would show him/her the truth that you see for his/her own good??

for some, it's rather difficult for them to see the answer.....often those in the situation doesn't see the whole picture...they need outsiders to give them opinion... they come to you in questions...hoping that they could find some answers.....even though your asnwer might not nessesary be true....it's enough for them to get some ideas from somebody..... but while leading them to see the answer...you mustn't control his/her thinking....let he/she find his own answer by showing him/her the possible ways of solving that problem....but not to alter his opinion....or he'll blame you if things did not turn out right...

for some, they would like to hear that the person that he/she talk to has the same experience.... esp those painful ones....they would feel better when they know somebody else had the same painful experience....they know that they are not alone.....but i noticed however...(maybe juz some)...if they share some happy news or joyful event....they would wish that the person that he talk to doesn't have that experience before....they want happy things to happen to themselves oni (in some way)....because they expect to surprise or make other people envy with that kind of emotion.....for these people you can't tell them a happier news than the happy news that they are telling you...it will make him/her jealous...

example: if a person tell you that he or she found a 100 ringgit note on the floor today...and you tell him "tak hairan la.....i found money on the floor everyday..."

or

"hey i got 90 for my XXX exam....i'm so happy...." and you say...."is it? i got hundred wor"...

well, these are not the "correct answer" you ares uppose to give... when somebody tell you a happy news..be happy with her...

correct answers are

1)"oh you are so lucky.( with the admiring face)....im sure ur luck will be good for the rest of the week"

2) "wa...so good....at least you you what you deserve for trying your best..."

well....maybe this is human nature....."you nan tong dang, you fu zhi ji xiang"

and when somebody tell you a devastating news... don ever say "i know exactly how you feel" when you actually don't...besause you will hurt him/ her even more...

example... when a person's close relative (eg. father) pass away.... by saying "i know how you feel"when your father is still strong and healty will make the person u are trying to comfort angry and worsen the sadness...the best you can do it's give him /her for shoulder to cry on...and say that "i don know how you feel, but i can imagine the pain you are suffering now"

.....but the best comfort for these situations is silence.....

the feeling of loneliness

it feels good to be in the limelight, centre of attention, when people notices u and talk about and wat u do all the time.....it's something some people would risk anything to have---all the attention they need, even for a short time, risking anything juz so everybody notice him

for those who are always in the limelight, perhaps they won't understand the feeling of being lonely. the term "monophobia"----fear of being alone meant nothing to them...nobody could understand the pain....because watever they do, people will know...

do you know how it feels to check the mail everyday juz to find that it's empty? how u wish would get a personal msg from a close friend and not juz notices like "xxx has updated his friendster blog" . the fuss of finally getting a mail juz to find that it's a forwarded one....

do u know how it feels to have the feeling that the only reason people know you and approach u is to get sth from you? when every phone call u recieve is to ask you about homework, every visitor that knocks on your door is to get lecture notes from you....juz coz they know that u are hardworking (and stupid enough) to attend all the lectures.

do u know how it feels to be left out in some important function, uninvited to birthday parties.....

do u know how it feels to have somebody to think that u are not one of them....that u are somehow different from them.....the odd one...and seems hard for you to fit in to that particular group.....no matter how hard u try

do u wish u can be part of everything that happens around you....but somehow u are always forgotten ??

do u know how it feel to be left out in a "thank you"list??

do u know how it feels to love other people and not getting the love u hope for in return??

do u know how it feels like to stay in the room the whole day...wanting very much to talk to somebody...but seemed that no one would understand....or everyone else is too busy with their home task and exams....or the fear that people will look down on you once u show them the other side of you (the weaker one)...??

do u check your msn msger every 2 hours with the hope that u find somebody to talk to??

and when the people that u know finally online....you have so much to talk to but u dun know where to start?? in the end.....it's juz the formal questions that is askes........

do u know the pain when your closest friends to talk to you when you have nothing to do is your text books???

ever admire other people who is in the center of atention and wish you were like them??

do u ever wish that u din't concentrate that much on your studies and concentrate more on social aspect??....to think that all these would be better if u did.....

some people juz have the 'touch' to draw people's attention...while ohters....juz fail to do so...maybe it's not present in their gene....

to those who never feel loneliness before...try this....hide yourself in the dark,cold corner where nobody can see you.....stay there for a night....

well....i don have to do that....i know perfectly how it feels.......esp in this cold and dark weather....

what is your limit??

i think many parents make this mistake when educating their children when they forget the most important lessons------"nothing is impossible".

since young wat we learn are control by them, the system of education, everybody else around us who are older than us and think they know much better than us because they live longer in this world....they determine what we should know...wat is "he/she's too young to learn about this"....he won't understand....why?? because he didn't understand it when he is that age...

in order to be "educated", we enter school. fine.now the system of education determine wat we can handle and wat we can't. when i was in std one.i didn't have BI, Science...etc...because they think we are too young for that......so we missed an oppotunity to learn sth useful when our brain are still smart(remember my previous blogs that say adults are stupid)...when we it is still like a sponge that absorb everything....

and what happened to art,music, and other important subject?? because it's not an examination subject..teachers tend to neglect it....

now the parents....(i don mean to offend every parents in this world)....most of them are too protective of their children...and they often tend to underestimate thier ability to understand the surrounding...or maybe they juz can't accept the fact that children are learning at the faster rate than what they have expected...because in their memory long long time ago...that was too fast....so they tried to stop them....by setting rules and regulation...not letting the children do wat they are capable of doing.....because "they are not ready"

the fact is....we(human) are evolving over the years....and people will eventually get smarter and smarter....so the system of education should not be set to limit the progress of the children, instead should let them explore thier endless possibilities.....

many famous sceientist and pioneer of those famous theory who try to explains the world's pheomenon.....i believe they are not under a controlled environment....when they begin their research....they didn't set a final destination or a limit to it... coz if they do, they wouldn't think of something new, something that is not thought by other people....

well, somebody told me recently that there's a "genius" in our academy....he achieve many good results....and was recognized by the lecturer and those who are same batch as him..(he's a senior la)...but then this "genius" word makes him like undefeated, as if forever inapproachable by others....in this case, he is the ultimate limit. but what is the oint of that??/why limit yourself when you have the chance or possibility to overtake him.... why suppress yourself to be the "gënius" in you??

conclusion: "genius" is just a word you use on others to limit yourself

i'm not saying that he's not smart(coz i dunno him)....but he is not your limit...that's all...he might juz be fulfilling what is needed from him in this society....and he's able to do it well..that's all....

IQ tests puts Einstien as the top...he is the ultimate limit...that means over the years....even if there ARE people who is smarter than him....would be neglected...in other words....our knowledge is limited to what he knows...everything else would be....useless....

maybe this has happened to you before "you see XXX......do so well in studies....you should follow like him...."

it's ok to look up to others.....but the problem is your final aim....is not to be same as your target...but to overtake it....that means you can't set your target as 100%....or else you would be forever less than he/she.....leave some space for your improvement....maybe juz set he/she as 80 to 90....so that u can achieve the final 100%

but try to appriciate yourself...someday if you keep trying to catch up other people's pace....you will get tired...because you will never reach your destination if you keep following behind others.....

of course genetically, some have better developed mind than others...i can't deny that....but when we are limited not by our limit, but by the limit set by others...that's juz too sad....

i'm glad that my parents didn't limit me in my process of growing....i made most of my choice....ie. i learn art in std 3...when i know art is not my thing....i was glad they let me make my own decision...(or maybe i juz didn't listen to them back then)....

someday if i have children.....i will teach them this important lesson.....

DO I EXIST???

i think the meaning of one's existance is determined by people around him/her.....

when people around you...say your freinds and family remember, acknowledge, and recognize you, that means you "exist" in their world.....

that means your world is limited to those you know and care about.....the existance of those stangers that doesn't have much effect on you and your life practically doesn't "exist"....

the sense of existance or knowing that you exist in other people's world can bring great sensation and pleasure....you feel like you are renognized, cared, wanted....

wherever you go, whatever you do.....will leave trace in someone's life.....changing him/her forever.....

i learnt that when someone told me recently that her sis know me when i don't know her.....i was surprised....but at the same time happy that somebody remembers and know me....(altho felt sorry that i din't know her)...because i left trace in somebody's life...

the deeper the trace you leave.....your existance will mean more to him/her.....

i once saw a show on tv......there's one boy who have no friend.....nobody knows him, no one remembers him....slowly....he find himself  "dissapearing".....

i don want to be like him....

the sense of existance gives the meaning of life. there's no point living in this world if you don't exist.....

there's once i went back to my secondarry school....unfortunately...other than my teacher....not many people in school recognizes me anymore....i realise...sooner or later...this won't be my place anymore....

i won't see the point of coming back anymore....i must move on....to a place where i "exist"

that is why i do not want to live too long of a life.....when all my friends and families are gone....when nobody remembers me....when i don't "exist" in this world anymore...i don't want to lead an empty life.....

sometimes when i hear people talking about me...remembers me as a friend...mentioning my name in their blogs....remember to ask me out for movie, yam cha....and some for opinion....makes me feel that i exist....

at least i won't die later as a nobody.....

hey....so do i "exist" in your world???

Do you have to be "smart" all the time???

i have a stupid question to ask the smart people out there....

aren't you tired of being smart all the time??

Don't you wish you could do something stupid once in a while??

For smart people like you, is it so unforgivable for stupid people to exist being who they are??

Are stupid people stupid because they do not do the normal same thing as what smart people like u do??

What is the fun of being smarter if you are already smart??

And, if you are not smart, why try to act that you are??

If you use up your whole life being smart, how on earth would u know how it feels like to be stupid??

After 18+ years of living, i think i can safely say that i'm not stupid.....

But once in a while, i wish i could do something crazy, something that my "non-stupid" self would not allow me to do....

I don care if people think i'm crazy or stupid, which i know deep inside that i'm not....

i just want to be myself, do whatever i wanna do without checking the mirror to see whether i'm looking "smart" in other's eyes...

i hope i can keep the child in me forever because i think adults are stupid, restricting themselves to what they know....and keep themselves away from what they don't....loosing all their imagination, and those wonderful things they used to believe in...

when being childish, i can think of thousand of crazy things adult never think of doing before...which is FUN!

i have walked around KL town whole night till the next day before taking my bus home to melaka....

i have cycled around the area the night before my result comes out coz was too nervous...

i have shouted as loud as i could on the street midnight when the dog bark at me....(i actually scolded him back)

i've been to russia....a place which i never heard of before going there....

i've gone venture around moscow...along with friends...although all these while i never leave melaka for holiday before....

i ran to the flower shop for 1km during spring to buy a bunch of flower for my latin teacher after my exam....

i've shouted friends name from a distance in a shopping complex when everybody looked at me..

I've changed my room appearence every 2 months when i was in primary school juz because i wanted it to look like the studio in "kelab disney malaysia"

i'm still keeping all my toys:power rangers, xmen, cybercop, spiderman...and play with them once in a while...( i would group them into a large army, make their weapons, their paper airplane army, and their transport--flying cloud(from tissue) and would think of all sorts of super power for them)...together we fight the imaginary enemy.....hehe.....sounds stupid to u eh??

i've walked about 3km home from my friend's house to at 3 am, because we din't wanna wake our parents up to fetch us home...

i have been to melaka's museum....long stretch of historical stuff before going to russia...alone...took picture of my own along the way...( which if u ask most malaccan, they will think i'm crazy...)

i have walked across a long bridge during winter in russia when it was -16 out there and the strong wind was blowing....juz to see a church on the other side of the bridge...

All these and alot more are what normal people won't do.....but i din't regret doing it at all...in fact i think would regret more if i dun do all these crazy stuff while i still can, before i turn into another stupid adult......

i will be using most of my youth time studying....to do what i've always dream of....but i want to enjoy a fun life too along the way...if i don't do it now, how am i going to do it when i turn into a stupid adult? (you can't be expecting me jumping around like a small kid afer becoming a doctor)

for me, trying my best to be smart is to wear a mask in front of others..something which i'm not comfortable with.....

i don't want to be the smartest person, juz wanna be the happiest one....if being smart can't give me the happiness.....why do i want to be smart??

i want to be free.... to be me....

What about you??

THINGS I WANT

"i have got all the things i ever wanted, but apparently i wanted all the wrong things"    --desperate housewifes

this line of words gave impact to me when watching dh.makes me wonder, if i've been wanting the correct things all these while....like selecting my career....

i'm taking a great risk here.i am using my precious time to do sth that i THINK is my calling, i believe this career is wat i'm here for....and i really hope that all my time and effort wasted will paid off....i dun mean financial wise(i dun really care about money)....i juz hope 20 years later after i look back on the choice i've made, i'll able to give myself the assurance  that i've made the correct choice and wat i wanted is RIGHT....

i have been trying so hard to fulfill all my wishes....i just hope i don't wish for the wrong things

maybe it was my parents...maybe it was me....since i was small, whenever people ask about my ambition, i'll say it's to be a doctor...i know people din't take my answer seriously by then, but for me...it was sth i think i was certain to be in the future ...it's like i have been "programmed" to want to be a doctor....whether i can make it in the end or not...

while people struggle to choose their path of life at the junction after secondary school, matrix,college,.....i din really gave a thought about it....i juz followed what i chose since i was 5....

maybe i was too childish to think it is going to be easy and fun becoming a doctor when i was 5...but it has been sth that push me so far, so long untill now.... i know i wasn't born intellegent... but i kept pushing myself when everyone else didn't believe in me...i believed in myself..

i juz hope wat i believe is not going to let me down in the future....i want to have all i ever wanted in the future...and to know that my childish instinct telling me that i want to become a doctor is correct....

selfish? selfless?

have you ever lend a helping hand sincerely when the person you help ask you what do you gain from all that??

i have been doing group studying since secondary school....everytime we would discuss some topics which might be unclear in school....or maybe just for the sake of revision..

i have developed some of my own study techniques and would very much like to share with others...

all these while the people that i'm working with are fine....we produce results together and feel the satisfactory together....

Mr Z is my coursemate in nizhny novgorod. he had some problems with studies. and he is one of the few people i think has the potential in this field...onli becoz of some trouble in english...

so i offered to do group studies together. we would discuss some difficult topics together...same principle as with the secondary school's method with some modification...

we've been through a few session...and i think he's making some improvement...

but then he suddenly stopped. he din come anymore. when i ask him why, he asked me back in return: "what do you get by tutoring me?"

wtf? since when i "tutor" him?...and can't i help him out of care?...i mean i take him as a friend and would like to see us graduate together....is that wrong??

he was also saying that he feels that he slows my progress...although i've explaint to him that it's a good revision for me...i mean come on, if i would care about that, i would not suggest it in the first place right?? i would have considered everything before doing it..

something happened...he ended up doing something totally out of my expectation....180 degree change in his character...wasn't that concern about the studies anymore...and gives himself excusses for not doing well..

we don't talk to each other anymore...

did i do something wrong??

you know, being questioned about your wholeheartedness is something very saddening for me. giving a helping hand with all my heart and get a cold shoulder in return, that is sth i couldn't bare with. makes me rethink why i would even bother in the first place.

is it just me? can't i do something because i care? why must i gain something? i tot friends were suppose to help each other without minding about that stupid thing...

do the rest of the world think of what they gain and how they can profit from doing something everytime before they do it?

to my friends out there, in the future if i offer any help to you....please let me do it(if you think i can help la)...if there's any condition, i will tell you the conditions in advance....if i don tell that means i help you FOC....take it as i hutang you in my past life...

many incidences like this happened made me loose my passion and desire to help slowly...slowly i think maybe i should just mind my own business....to protect myself from unnecessary damage.

5 years later....maybe i'll come out of uni becoming a cold hearted doctor..... 

LUCK

luck is like a small kid,always running around...

if it does happen to stand on your side, catch it,hold it,appreciate it, before it starts running again.

luck is not choosy. whether you are good or evil, you stand a certain chance that luck will be on your side...

however, luck is not distributed equally among people, but often favour those who acknowledge its presense, those who knows how to catch it and make full use of it

it can be a crucial factor, determining the winner of a race...any race....

luck.is like a woman's heart. hard to guess... but be sure that it doesn't like to be manipulated... don ever think you have control over luck.

if you play with luck,well, it might play with you for a while...but if you don watch your back, it will catch you when u least expected and drag you from heaven to hell....... =

-khai lip-