you see me cry, and yet u do not have the heart to ask me why....
i don't demand much, just a simple concern will do....
"are u ok?" is all i need from you....
feeling terrible today. all that could go wrong went wrong....
where are u??
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you see me cry, and yet u do not have the heart to ask me why....
i don't demand much, just a simple concern will do....
"are u ok?" is all i need from you....
feeling terrible today. all that could go wrong went wrong....
where are u??
is what i am feeling right now.....
i am numbed with my surroundings....still aware of what is happenning, but fail to give any appropraite reactions towards it...
exam is in a few days time, i am supposed to be nervous, but i am not.....at least not yet...
i am not particularly happy or sad, just indifferent to things that could make me happy/sad last time...
i used to be so hot-blooded, passionate about commenting about almost everything that doesn't follow it's right course....now, i get the impulse too, but the passion is not strong enough for me to waste my effort on it....
maybe that's why i blog less nowadays...coz blogging used to be a medium for me to record the moments i think gives impact to me, in one way or another...
hardly anything could touch my heart, nor surprise me....not even the political changes in my country, or the change of state of the health of my relatives...
i wanna find the factor that could make me cry again, remind me again that my heart is made of flesh, not steel...
but right now....i dun feel anything...
even the food i cook does not taste as good anymore....
guess that's another way of saying my life is boring....
in a community we often need to depend on someone to help us to achieve something. and others might have the same need for our capability to achieve something too...give and take. this is what people do.you can say we are helping each other, or you can say we are "using" each other to achieve our respective goals. it makes no difference....really...
conflict arises when this "giving" and "taking" balance become disrupted. the person who always give and never recieve will feel that he is loosing something.
he will start to think that ppl get near him because they want something from him. and he's worried that one day when he's of no usable value ie. if he cannot offer what other ppl demands of him, he will be ignored, forgotten, and he'll eventually loose the reputation and status he has now....
it's cruel to say, but it's the reality. many, i believe, have this worry. you can grumble all you want, but when you are surrounded like people like this, you will eventually need to adapt to survive in this realistic world. you can say u oni want "true" friends around you like your high school friends who are true and sincere to you, but you can't isolate yourself from the rest of the world...
the idea is to make yourself "useful".....or at least of some "usable" values. don't be despair to think that ppl are just using you for your capability and they are not true to you. instead be glad that you are being "used"....at least it shows your value, that u will be asked for help by someone who "needs" you....and their success depends on your mercy...
this value determines your power. as long as you are "useful", you are in power. you are not being manipulated as the word "used" indicates, but instead you have to power to manipulate. you have the choice of choosing and the right to demand when you are "useful". those who need your help are subjected to your will, mood, emotion, judgement.....whatever that will make you help them achieve their goals...
but what if your primary concern comes, when you loose your value one day? well, there's nothing u can really do actually, other than turn the wheels around and subject yourself to other people's mercy instead. what why let that day come? why not keep improving yourself and make yourself constantly "useful" all the time so that you will be treasured for your capability. it's better if u could "immortalize" this value by making yourself useful in someway irreplacable by others...
being paranoid by stopping to be "useful" just because you don want to feel like being used isn't the right way to protect yourself from being hurt. there's always other people who is "useful" to them out there.if you stop improving just because you don want to be used, you will stuck there and and eventually loose your market value....it's like burning the padi field during the war, you do not let other people get food for war, but you do not get any either...
so make yourself useful, or at least usable, and be glad that you are still being used....
when the oni comments you get is how fat u are, or whether you have gained weight recently, how the clothes you wear shows your big belly, how fat your ass is in that jeans, or how your doubled chin looks like a goiter patient, don't be depressed.
looking from the other side, maybe you are too perfect that there's nothing else to criticize about you other than your physical appearance. they simply can't find any other weaknesses in terms of your attitude, personality, intellegence etc....
of course, obesity is a risk factor for all sorts of diseases. u have to loose weight, the healthy way. but do not let these redundant comments add to your psychological and emotional pressure. high emotional pressure is a risk factor many diseases too...
nobody is perfect. i personally think it's better to have "changable" defects in outter appearance than to have fatal unchangable defects in terms of personalities as greed, laziness, hypocrisy, envious, indecisive, cowardness etc...
whenever you find yourself sitting very comfortably in your current position, high above others, be careful, as that's the time that you are most likely to fall....
when ppl get comfortable, they let their guards down. they forgot how things were supposed to be done. they do things their way, without taking into consideration other's thought and feeling. they forgot those who bring them up to the comfortable position they are in now.....
people who are in high position tend to take things for granted. they often think that what they have now is meant to be.....and they deserve everything...they start to get cocky.....and this is when they will fall...
when people are given full control of something, they forget how to share. they think all their decisions are right, and there's no place for discussion or further objection. they can't accept any ideas contradicting theirs.....this form of closed decision making will eventually bring them to self-centeredness, as if the world revolves around them...when decisions are made withot oppositions, mistakes happen....and there will be no improvement without competition.
i get this inspiration from a taiwanese singing competition. they tend to improve alot when there's some challenger from outside...otherwise, they'll just sing like normal without any surprises nor improvement....they tend to get comfortable when there's nobody challenging....and their standards falls tremendously due to lack of motivation..and that's when they are kicked out of the competition....
sometimes, we really need an external opposition force to stimulate our growth and developement.....to remember the sole reason we are put at this high, comfortable position we are at now. things might not go as well as we would expect sometimes, but small defeats can definitely stimulate our will to fight and enhance our hidden ability...
when we are defeated along the way, do not be a sore looser.don't mock your opponents, or think of some shameful tactics to win back the wrong way. the faster we could realise our mistakes and accept them, the faster we could stand back up from the defeats....
competitions are good. as long as we have the right attitude and will, all of us are moving towards the better good, aren't we?
(p/s: this entry has nothing to do with any current political issues happening anywhere in the world :P)
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