SECRET CORNER OF THANATOS

退一步海闊天空.....

sometimes when you get tired of striving for survival, to move forward, and to overcome any circumstances that comes in your way...it's not a bad idea to move a step backward....to rest for a while and to take a good look of where you are heading....

charging blindly like a mad cow isn't gonna bring you far....it will exhaust you faster....

do some revision...see if what u are doing now is what u really want...if u are forcing yourself to do something you do not like, you won't be happy at the end of the day....then maybe u should consider quiting as an option....

quiting doesn't necessary mean you are a coward or looser.....it takes alot of courage to go for the things u want...to face the fact that somethings just aren't meant to be...

knowing when to quit in time before it's too late is another form of wisdom too....

take a step backward....you might find a whole new world out there to be discovered....

russian teacher Vs chinese apek....

say there's a quarrel between my favourite russian teacher and some chinese apek whom i dunno on the street, regardless of who is right...and to base solely on emotion and instinct, which side do u think i would stand on??

the answer is my russian teacher.

no i'm not pro- communist...

i just think that relationship between 2 person should be individual, not based on which race is he/she from....

....just like how i am closer to to my malay friends in my group than other chinese which i seldom talk to here...and in case of conflict, of course i will help my malay friend first....

it is of course convinient to group the ppl with the same race and skin color together....but it's not practical at all....we are who we  are because of we do....it's not printed in the genes that one race is more stupid than the other...or inferior....or bornt to be slaves for another race....it's rather an acquired skill and ability....

although statistic might show some race are more wealthy, smart and hardworking....(or otherwise)...it should not be a guideline to judge ppl by first impression...

just like you don treat all ppl with headache with the same meds : u have to find the underlying cause and individual tolerance to the drugs u are giving....

"chinese are good in maths"

i can say my maths is not superb la....but boleh tahan lo....but my fairly good result in math is not because i am a chinese...but for the obvious reasons...i work for it....and i am taught right..

grouping or labeling the ppl with similar traits is convinient, but at the same time it burries up the unique personality of each individual...

in my batch of jpa scholars....there are 5 of us chinese...me and the other 4 girls...well....we are always grouped together when it comes to doing work for msian night....or any other events which involve all the msians....or when passing msg....they(mereka yang berkenaan) will inform one of us and assume that we will tell the other 4....

don get me wrong....it's an honour to be put together with 4 pretty ladies....but can't these ppl see us as individuals rather than just " that bunch of 4th year chinese jpa scholars"?

i would like to be introduce as " this is ng khai lip....he is a 4th year senior....he is...blah blah blah......" and finally to slot in between the conversation " oh and btw, he is a jpa scholar..."

....rather than : this is a jpa scholar...his name is ng khai lip....

it's true that 5 of us hang out at times....but that doesn't give anyone the right to label us as an unseperable  groups...we would like to work with other ppl when it inolves the whole community....if only given chance...

i once heard a comment which i find rather funny....: "oh ya la.....jpa scholar ma....of course smart....we are oni private students....slow abit...."

it's as if we gain super power after getting that scholarship...having a boost of IQ or something...well, i should say that if u think i am smart, then fine, i'll accept it....but i am smart first....then oni i get the scholarship.....not the other way around....

if u think u are stupid because u did not get the scholarship....well, you should know that u are stupid, regardless of whether you get it or not, that not gonna change....there's no legendary boost of IQ in that scholarship package...

there's a chinese saying that goes like : " one has to first look down on himself first in order for other ppl to look down on him" if u have no self esteem in yourself....there's no way other ppl is going to look at u higher than u look at urself....

oh and back to the chinese apek : if he is the apek that sells wan tan mee and always give me extra chilly....then i might consider helping him instead :P

The Way We Were

this is a comic drawn by a super talented high school friend of mine for joining the Rising Star of Manga Uk and Ireland 3.....she made it to the finals and needs all the votes she could get....

i like this one alot....it's a great way of expressing how we appriciate each other's friendship....(in a different way)...it represent our dreams and hope for the future while striving hard not to loose the innocence of youth...it's indeed very idealistic....but it's perfect to show how desperately we are to stay together...

this masterpiece of hers is about a group of intellegent and close friends who are top graduates of their respective universities....which together are able to control things and events beyond your wildest imaginations.

one fine day, they've decided to gather all the high school friends on to a beautiful isolated island for a grand reunion party...to reminisce the good old days....

as the story goes on, wierd and seemingly unrelated events began to happen, one after another, which, coincidentally happened at the same time.....

as like any other great stories.....there's always a twist....

read all bout it in The Way We Were by Faye Yong

"sometimes i wish i could turn back time & recapture the carefree days of our youth....go back to the way we were...."

p/s :you would probably find me inside the comic as one of the character...at least i would like to think so la.....

show your support and vote for her!!! thanks!

馬戲團之走鋼索的人

life is like a circus. it's like a performance full of audiences and they expect to be thrilled, surprised, and entertained...

it resembles tightrope walking....at a distance far away from the ground reachable only by a ladder....the single ladder...

your aim? to reach the other end, without falling of course....and the only way connecting both ends is this rope/wire barely visible from the ground as an audience.

it is made of strong metal, seems firm enough alright, but when you make your first step on it, it feels like you are "sunken", as if you are stepping on a needle thread used by your mom to sew your pyjamas...

you are to stay focus, keep walking on a straight line, just like how you walk on the ground, except slight deviation here will cause you a painful fall, your career, and everything you possibly have......even with a safety net....

life is like tightrope walking. this thin rope is the right way, the only way to reach the other end.all the other spaces on both sides of this rope will be the mistake you are  going to make you fall if u step on them. the largest space you have besides this rope is only the length of your foot, placed horizontally....

it's like there's just so many chances of you making mistakes, unforgivable sins and crimes...all it takes is just a slight lack of focus and determination to commit them..that would cause you everything...

the audience, well, they would be amazed when you reach the other end safety, wondering how you did it. but as i said, the audience expect surprises, thrills and entertainment....deep down, as you walk along the rope, they are wondering, why aren't you falling yet....

luckily there's this safety net who will catch you from the bottom, in case you fall..so that you would have a second chance, with abit of embarassment, but hey, everyone deserves a second chance right....

things happened lately...unpleasant things...not life-threatening kind of big, but just unpleasant...

it's like being splashed by cold water....icy cold...but that made me realise a few good things..

living in russia isn't easy. away from your comfort zone,to a place with competitive and unfriendly surroundings...and one way to keep yourself surviving is keep the feeling of being 'superior'...that u are on top of the others...be it in studies, dota, sports....anything that would make ppl look at you in a different way, not just another passerby....

and i guess this does not just apply here...in fact the whole society does that...

harsh words are said to those seemingly weaker....to make them feel inferior....and on the other hand, to make yourself believe that you are indeed stronger...

it's cruel to think so, but i realise that i too, in attempt to being a nice person, came out with some harsh words towards other ppl, which, i think i might have some intention make myself think i am superior than others too....(altho i do know thinking that way sounds very wrong....)

but when real life situations come in, and you realise that you are indeed very puny too make any difference, when you cannot do anything to change life and death, when all the advice you could give to a patient is same as those that could be recommended by a mother to a child,even after 4 years of medical studies, and all you could do when you loose your bank card is to call back panicly and ask for your mom's help...keeping her awake till 1 am......you suddenly feel very useless...

loosing control of your own financial status can do alot to you...things will have to be tuned down a little till you gain back control.some adjustments have to be made and you might not feel as powerful as b4...and you are just gonna live with it...for now..

i "think" i was once a considerate person, thinking about other's feeling before saying something...i remembered scolding ppl for being inconsiderate, without thinking twice b4 saying something hurtful towards ppl's feeling....and i even thought that it was a childish act....and guess what, i am doing the same thing now....although in a much sarcastic and cooler way...

i wanna be my old self back now....if that is possible...i wanna be sensible, considerate and down to earth....i really do....i just need to figure out how...

my mom used to warned me about ego....says that it's a dangerous thing...it makes you feel good at first...makes you feel superior...on top of the world even....but it is associated with greed, pride, and carelessness....which will, in the end, lead to disaster...it will consume you from inside, blurring your vision, your thoughts....before leading you to failure...

it is addictive.it's hard to throw away your ego at one day....it's easy to adapt to superiority, but not the other way round. it's not easy, but i am adapting...

nobody forces me to such situtation that i am in now...it's just me, wanting a breakthrough...maybe i'll get just that if i throw away everything i have now and start from the bottom all over again....it's like if you have an empty bottle rather than a full one, you could fill it up with more new stuff...

i also learnt not to judge. it is ok if i think you are not fit to be a doctor, that your IQ is not more than a primary school boy, it doesn't matter if i think your gf is better off alone than marrying you in the future, it's none of my business that you sing like crap and still wants to perform on stage. everyoe has a choice. and even if i think otherwise, i can't change anything...and i shouldn't stop the earth from spinning...or rather...i don care anymore...

truth and justice is what seems to hold up the society....but the very naked truth is, we don't always want truth to be revealed. we hear what we want to hear, what we expect to hear...we like to hear long flowery sentences when everything could just be summarized in 5 words. we hope to hear lies telling us there are still hope when the fact clearly indicate otherwise.....we always demand for justice when injustice happen to us, but deep down inside, we hope for injustice to happen, just let it be on our side, benifits us in our way.....

so if truth and justice isn't always the best choice....we don't have to stick to it all the time..i mean...i will not say everything which comes into my mind...even if i think it's 100% right...as you might not wanna hear it...

i will not lies and paint beautiful pictures...but i'll just keep silence... knowing the truth might do you more good, but you won't thank me for that....and i'm not that noble anyway....

there's a chinese idiom that goes like "if you have bad mouth and bad temper, you can't be considered as a good person even if your heart is kind." i'm gonna start by controlling my temper and my mouth first...and trust me....it's very difficult for me....

i am in one of the low moment of my life now...and i feel sorry that i have to go through it alone...help is seeked but it's not how i want it to be...or rather who i want it to be...maybe it's just not the right time and the right place....

but it gives me more opportunity to rethink, reconstruct and reassemble everything again from the very beginning...to reconsider my aim and goals...and i hope soon i will revive again from the ashes....like the phoenix...

i am not depressed now. i am enlighted, and more determined to be a better person than i am now...do not symphatize me, but expect a stronger me.....soon....i hope...

the day when i lost my bank card...

today was supposed to be a holiday...a real holiday after 2 months of struggling...

for some reason today became the busiest and unlucky day for me....

i planned my 5 day's holiday properly. and that included studying, settling my hostel fees, taking imigration card, passing up my project for summer practical, doing some groceries, watching some movies, blogging....etc...

so to ensure smooth holiday ahead, i plan to do most of the above today coz those requires me to go to dean's office which is like so far...and time consuming...

it's not everyday that one knows that everything will go wrong the moment he wakes up....and this is one of those days for me...

this morning i woke up with a stiff neck.like terseliuh or something...i hate it when it hurts to even try turning my head...

at 8 am i went to some hospital in the town to pass up my summer practical report, after warning from dean's office the day before

i was suppoed to go to hospital with a junior after that but there was sudden change of plan...blah blah blah.....nevermind...it doesn't have any direct significance anyway....

so somehow i ended up in ikea...(coz due to the sudden change of plan...i decided to go for groceries shopping...which i don't really need now anyway)...

i feel clumsy today...somehow i feel like i'm gonna loose something...

i almost drop 10000 roubles when trying to take out my key from the pocket.....but managed to realise it in time...

i bought a gassy mineral water instead of normal drinking water from the vending machine...now everyone knows how we hate gassy mineral water.....with the tasteless gas that makes u burp but somewhat bitter...why la the russians like it so much.....

and for the climax, i lost my bank card!!!

worse is, i didn't realise it untill i came back home....when i wanna withdraw money again to pay for my hostel fee...

i looked everywhere in the room but not found....best guess is that i lost it somewhere in ikea...

i called my friends who were still there to help me find....but still no luck...

based on my impatience and stubborness, i would normally go back to ikea and find it myself, altho it is situated like 45 minutes away from my hostel...

but now i am resticted...i have to go to dean's by today to collect my imigration card and to pay my hostel fee...which after paying, leaves me no more money liao...sob sob...

on my way back...was stuck in a traffic jam for 1 hour...making me even more frustrated...

to top up, i have the extra practical from 4 to 6.....which drained away my remaining energy....leaving me with a shell with nothing inside now.....but i was glad the teacher was kind...she's an obstetrician....i feel that she has some "healing" power....making me feel comfortable in her class altho with the remaining of an empty shell in my head...

i think this might be "karma" la....for the sins i've done recently...including criticizing other ppl with hurtful words (altho to me that time it just seemed sarcastic),being somewhat selfish...kiasu-ness....the desire to win...

to be frank, i don like the me right now..cause i kinda feel the unpleasant "aura" in me when i have certain desire to win, to say out something which doesn't nessasary mean what i want it to be....but just seems "cool" at the moment...

i find that my mind is not as clear anymore....

probably it's because i seldom meditate lately, and neglect my religion when i get busy...

i feel sorry for that too...

i am a strong believer of karma. i believe when i do something wrong, something bad will happen to me to compensate that....untill all the "debt" is being paid...

so i take this lost of my bank card as a karma strikes back....

why is it important, you ask??

well, first of all, the bank card is my only source of income. without it, no money...

no money means i cannot do alot of stuff....

and the card is where jpa deposit the money....so without it, i'm officially on FAMA schoalrship now...means more burden to mom and dad...and that's bad karma...of course i can write a letter to change bank account to deposit the money....but that would be additional trouble...

and i probably need to go back during winter to settle my bank card and to apply a new one...

i therefore might not be able to go for winter holiday....(but if u guys got any plan remember to ajak me k....dun assume i dun wanna join coz i pokai liao...hehe)

and there are many more "side effects" i could think of from loosing this small little bank card...

i feel sorry for troubling my mom since 7 pm msian time till 1 am...coz i'm having class in between and she had to wait...and the line just sucks....but good thing she understands my behaviour and temper well....she knows that i would be panic. and altho i know she is as kan cheong as me.....she tried to calm me down....

after several attempts to talk on the phone with a bad line...i managed to pass all the msg....and the card was cancelled...

this made me realise how much she loves me....and how much love i should give back in return....altho it was 1 am....and she must be very tired....she still listen to me patiently...without a trace of tiredness....me on the other hand.....was just exhausted and frustrated with everything happening now...

i will hug her tight tight and kiss her the next time i go back....

i was very grumpy just now....and i might be abit harsh in words to some ppl...altho i can't really recall....so i hereby apologize...

and i am very thankful for those who expressed sympathy and cared enough to ask bout me.....and even offered to lend me some money....very appriciate them...

very tired now...wanna sleep liao...

hope tomorrow will be a better day/.....

p/s: i used to say that my lost stuff will return to me...someday, somehow....and that i nv loose my stuff....today, i take it back...

aim: to be a better person, collect good karma....